Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Hodgepodge Of things, very little quilting

  I owe a lot of people an apology. I've been so behind in everything I don't even know anymore who I'm late for!
I have mug rugs to send out, patterns that need printing, others that need writing and emails that need responding.

 I've received many emails over the time I've had my blog from people who also suffer from chronic pain conditions. Often they tell me I'm inspirational to them because even with the pain I manage to complete a lot of projects, take care of Little Bit and generally enjoy life.
Most of the time these emails make me feel really good. I mean who doesn't like knowing they give people some hope or inspiration to live their lives as much as they can?

But I feel I need to be honest.
Lately however I haven't been doing so well.
In fact I've been floored for the last several months. Between the chronic pain, a headache I've had since January and other chronic issues I've done very little, and in fact not done half of what I'd committed myself to.
And this has led me to feel somewhat depressed and anxious.

I'm trying to move myself through this with several techniques I've learned over the years, the first being trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel.

The second is to accept I have limitations and to rebalance my life so that those limitations are stretched but not ignored.
 I will accept that taking care of my daughter is good enough, she is loved and she knows it. This is a success even if I can't work or keep my house spotless.

Part of my problem is I get frozen, almost paralysed when I feel this way. No matter how much I talk or yell at myself I simply cannot do somethings. There is no choice in it. I can't force it. I hate this weakness and it is the worse part of the cycle for me because it furthers my feelings of depression and anxiety and low self worth.
Eventually I will break out of the cycle and it will be a surprise to me. One day I simply will be able to move again. I will be able to force the motivation and things will happen again. I don't know when it will come, I don't know how to make it happen sooner then later. But I do know it will happen and I hold on to that fact to get me through.

I also admit to feeling some jealousy of my fellow bloggers and am really trying to put that behind me and just be happy for the opportunities they have.
Things just aren't right yet for me to have those opportunities. Hopefully that will change but if not I will be thankful for all of the awesome things I have been able to do. And if no one asks me to join in their patterns, giveaways, blog alongs etc I will accept that.
But somedays it can be hard. I know I have talent. But maybe not the patience or the personality. We'll let time decide that.
For now I will be happy to see others fly high and get their dreams.

So why have I told you all of this? Mostly because I felt it in me and needed to put it down. Once I start writing I felt I should share. Maybe knowing that it isn't always easy but that you can get through it, even if it comes back, will be helpful to someone.
I also think I just need to feel I've given myself a voice. I've felt voiceless, ignored or unwanted far too much in my life. That is something I can change. I can give myself a voice, even if no one listens, because the only thing in life I can control is me.

And now I'm going to go sew. Because even if I get only one seam done it will be something.

17 comments:

Kasey said...

Oh, Cara, if I lived close enough, I'd bake you whatever your heart desired and give you a HUGE HUG.
Just keep swimming! Or, if you like Lady Gaga, JUST DANCE! Whatever you do, know that there are tons of us out here who are cheering you on!

embracingitall said...

Cara, I hope you are able to get back to a space where everything feels right again. Thanks for sharing how you feel. Life can be tricky at the best of times, let alone when you have other stuff to deal with on a constant basis like chronic pain. Healing hugs to you, Jacinta

Megan said...

Even though it may have been difficult for you to share I'm glad you did, because it gives us an opportunity to lift you up in our thoughts and prayers, and to let you know we care. Even though I don't suffer from chronic physical pain I do suffer from those same paralyzing feelings of despression, anxiety, and low self worth, and I understand. You are doing right by focusing on the postive things in your life right now. It will all work out for good.

I am Just One Mom said...

Shall I make your mug rugs for you? That IS something I could do to clear a few things off your to do list.

Or is there something else that would lift a burden. We are a community, I would enjoy helping you, my neighbor.

Blessings all around.

Flo @ Butterfly Quilting said...

I agree.....if there is something we can do, let us know!
{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}
and we all know that a few dust bunnies never hurt anybody, and nobody notices them but you, so relax until you are ready to take on the world again.

Rhonda said...

big (HUGS) Cara! thinking of you.

Wendy said...

Cara, you are such an inspiration in all that you do get accomplished that I wish you a hundred million warm heart hugs for every sad moment you feel you aren't accomplishing anything. Take care of you and God bless you in every moment you have!

Deb said...

Cara, my heart goes out to you right now. While I do not have chronic pain, I do struggle with chronic depression. I have gone through the same ups and downs you describe. Why am I telling you this? To let you know, you are not alone. There are many of us out here re-prioritizing our lives to fit our energy. Take care and don't beat yourself up!

Deb from clutteredquilter.blogspot.com

Micmacker said...

You are here, and you are heard. heart

Caro said...

Put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. One day you'll wake up and feel more like yourself. Keep your chin up, girlie!

LJ said...

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Lis said...

I totally understand, (((((((HUGS)))))))

Dresden Quilter said...

I admire everything you do and to me you are one of the rock star quilters. I hope things get better for you.

Sharon Pernes said...

XX OO XX

OrangeHeroMama said...

Oh Cara! ((((hugs)))
If you need anything PLEASE JUST ASK.
I am always up for a coffee/tea. I can bake something yummy.
Whatever you need! It's no bother at all!

Niki said...

Hey you! I want you to know that Im here for you and I really do understand what you are going through. If you wanna talk you know my # or we can text :) You are a strong, talented, inspiring woman and I love you! XOXO niki

Snoodles said...

I'm so glad you posted this...those of us that want to help can now pray for specific needs in your life, and offer hugs and help. We are a wonderful community to belong to, and many of us look up to you and admire you. Prayers coming your way from South Carolina!
Jacque in SC
quiltnsrep(at)yahoo(dot)com