I owe a lot of people an apology. I've been so behind in everything I don't even know anymore who I'm late for!
I have mug rugs to send out, patterns that need printing, others that need writing and emails that need responding.
I've received many emails over the time I've had my blog from people who also suffer from chronic pain conditions. Often they tell me I'm inspirational to them because even with the pain I manage to complete a lot of projects, take care of Little Bit and generally enjoy life.
Most of the time these emails make me feel really good. I mean who doesn't like knowing they give people some hope or inspiration to live their lives as much as they can?
But I feel I need to be honest.
Lately however I haven't been doing so well.
In fact I've been floored for the last several months. Between the chronic pain, a headache I've had since January and other chronic issues I've done very little, and in fact not done half of what I'd committed myself to.
And this has led me to feel somewhat depressed and anxious.
I'm trying to move myself through this with several techniques I've learned over the years, the first being trying to give myself permission to feel what I feel.
The second is to accept I have limitations and to rebalance my life so that those limitations are stretched but not ignored.
I will accept that taking care of my daughter is good enough, she is loved and she knows it. This is a success even if I can't work or keep my house spotless.
Part of my problem is I get frozen, almost paralysed when I feel this way. No matter how much I talk or yell at myself I simply cannot do somethings. There is no choice in it. I can't force it. I hate this weakness and it is the worse part of the cycle for me because it furthers my feelings of depression and anxiety and low self worth.
Eventually I will break out of the cycle and it will be a surprise to me. One day I simply will be able to move again. I will be able to force the motivation and things will happen again. I don't know when it will come, I don't know how to make it happen sooner then later. But I do know it will happen and I hold on to that fact to get me through.
I also admit to feeling some jealousy of my fellow bloggers and am really trying to put that behind me and just be happy for the opportunities they have.
Things just aren't right yet for me to have those opportunities. Hopefully that will change but if not I will be thankful for all of the awesome things I have been able to do. And if no one asks me to join in their patterns, giveaways, blog alongs etc I will accept that.
But somedays it can be hard. I know I have talent. But maybe not the patience or the personality. We'll let time decide that.
For now I will be happy to see others fly high and get their dreams.
So why have I told you all of this? Mostly because I felt it in me and needed to put it down. Once I start writing I felt I should share. Maybe knowing that it isn't always easy but that you can get through it, even if it comes back, will be helpful to someone.
I also think I just need to feel I've given myself a voice. I've felt voiceless, ignored or unwanted far too much in my life. That is something I can change. I can give myself a voice, even if no one listens, because the only thing in life I can control is me.
And now I'm going to go sew. Because even if I get only one seam done it will be something.