Friday, March 28, 2014

rediscovering my hands and voice, an update.

          Self reflection is often a painful and unpleasant thing, even for those of us who are more then slightly acquainted with the insanity that is self awareness, and conscientious mindfulness. But without agency, or "hands" it's all just a bunch of stuff in your head.

Why am I saying something about self reflection & agency on my nearly abandoned quilt blog?
   Because it is through self reflection of the most unpleasant but productive kind I have come to all kinds of points on more than a few areas that had finally managed to get me so wrapped up I was unable to create or nurture ANY aspect of my life in a way that satisfied anything, leaving me feeling without hands or voice.

Even when things did go well, which to be honest started to become more of in spite of my efforts rather than because of them, I got less and less out of it.
   I don't just mean less joy, I mean less anything.
Only my curiosity, a drive to understand so I can protect myself, occasionally popped up to keep me involved, and the very deep fear/painful memories of being abandoned/left out, kept me moving forward in parts of my life someone reading this blog may be familiar with.

I, who anyone who has known me for long will tell you is passionate and curious, couldn't muster any enthusiasm for what I had/was working for, and everything I did manage to accomplish become another stress, another load to carry for reasons I did not understand.

I will not label the above because it is incredibly complicated and interconnected with a whole lot of other things that really I feel no need to share broadly, but whatever you're comfortable labeling it with your understanding of life and me is fine with me, the point is the same regardless of the "cause".

    No matter how many times I tried to get back to "me", or how hard I was on myself for not getting that abstract task done, things kept getting worse until I hit a point I've been to before.

This is a point we all hit occasionally- lucky hit it in a way and at a time when there is some kind of net to help with the fall and climb back up, unlucky hits the bottom head first on their own at a time when no one is helping them. I'm not lucky but neither am I fully unlucky.
I have hit bottom, violently, many times before, betrayed by every person who ever could/should have saved me, including me, in ways that most would/could never believe.
I am a survivor in so many connotations of the word, a survivor of more than any one person should have to ever expect or accept.
I have been beaten, silenced, violated, betrayed, intimidated, brutalized and convinced I am worth less then any who will choose not to give me what they in return demand, but the point I'm making is not about what I survived or what destroyed me, but that I survived.

The point is that, this time it was just a bit more complete in the destruction but like every other time chaos & hurt has hit I arrived at the point past triage. For me this is the time to make a choice.
 Choose to allow what was destroyed to die as total a death as possible for it, and if I choose this option what parts of me & mine will be destroyed with it and is it worth it?, or to build upon the ashes of what had come before and use what survived with me to build stronger.

  What to build is a question that comes after making the above decisions and I'm guessing you can figure out which I choose over and over and over again. I mean I'm writing this so it's somewhat self-evident.

This really is the only thing I feel I do know, that I can say and it be as true later as it is now- I survived, I will survive again, I will create, and I will no longer allow others to push me where I know I am not able to thrive, no matter how good their intentions.

     I cannot fix all that broke before or still waits to be broken around the corner, but to those who have been hurt, disappointed or angered by me, I'm so sorry.
I can tell you my intentions but you probably know them enough or you wouldn't have cared enough to feel strongly by my mess ups, or you don't know me enough to care what my intentions were and your anger/hurt is less caused by me & more triggered by my actions.
 Regardless, I fully & unequivocally apologize to you. Your feelings are fully valid regardless of how or why I or my actions became a part of them and I regret my own chaos injured you in anyway.

The question of what's next?

Well, first, I'm going to try to get myself balanced with my husband, daughter & those I call family, those of my heart who will fight as hard for me as I will for them.
 Then I will figure out what to do with those outside of that, not because outside means less, but without a stable foundation to rest on, anything I create now will be temporary/weak, and I believe in building to last and  that's what I'm going to do.
As I go, those and that which is toxic to me and mine will be removed from any sphere that allows their poison into my foundation, it is that simple for it is that necessary.

Instead of CaraQuilts, I'm going to take a detour as Creating Cara, let's see where and who that gets us.

One thing that I have rediscovered already is my voice, which has been silenced for far too long by chains placed on it by others but held there by me afterwards. And once you start breaking chains, each one becomes easier- this much I know, it's not easy, but easier each time, until one day it is automatic to break chains others place on us.

So thank you to those who have said this to me in countless ways small ways over my life, most will never know the great gift they gave to me, and to any who need to hear it, I say it to you.

I believe you can survive, I believe in you, that you have what it takes keep going & grow.

Choose to survive & you will find a way, this I know, but be ready with your own hands to reach out, be it to give or receive, for your hands are only yours, and I believe they can be strong enough for whatever you choose to do with them.